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3 years later [10 Nov 2011|07:09pm]
My sister might be pregnant.
Those words were could not come out of my mouth three years ago, not in a million years. Now it's a stinging, bright, astonishing reality. It's hard to think of anything else but i should be concentrating on more important things.
It's not a big deal, just another kid about to join the circus right? Now it's my problem. I am definitely not prepared for this, not really prepared for any of this. Let's catch up shall we, it's been a long time. I know you know that i know that you're not here for me, you are here for you so let me entertain.
It's been three years since I've been in this same place. Last i wrote, my heart was breaking, preparing for longing. Time is a messed up thing, i just blinked, just once, maybe twice, and here i am. Confusion surrounds me like a dense fog, I'm feeling my way around but i can't grasp anything, I've been here so long I forgot what reality feel like.
Tonight i get to go on a date, my first first date in probably 4 years. I spent three years in a mess. I thought i was in love, i though this was it, for a while i thought this way. Then, for a long time, i fought feeling otherwise. In the end it disappeared as quickly and expectedly as it appeared. It just slipped out and away. I was like catching a fish, picking it up and feeling it's weight, it's sliminess and everything that makes a fish a real fish. I looked this fish straight in the eyes, because i'd never seen a real fish before, i never felt such a thing. I was in awe of what creation made, wow man look at this fucking fish. Then i put may hands back in the water and i loosened my grip and when i took them out there was nothing there, just my old hands looking back at me. The hands though, they were markedly older, had more scars, more wrinkles. But they were definitely my hands. And i stared back, how can this be, i just put them in the water, just a moment ago they were like i know them to be. I went home and i looked into the mirror and it was me who stared back, but he was much older too. The eyes were the same but three years had passed from the time i looked away and looked back. I am standing in the same place.
I thought thing were supposed to change. It's supposed to comes like the changing of the seasons. Natural, beautiful and in full force change is supposed to come without compromise and permission. You're thinking cycles, i know. It's not supposed to be this way. We're born in August and we die in July, full circle closed in one solid loop. But now it starts again, and i haven't lived through November yet. My sister is pregnant, did i mention that?
A year and half ago she was still single, now she's married and pregnant. Three years ago she was lush, the life of every party. Now she sits at home and worries and complains and plans. I guess things change, just not me, i never change. God i need a drink.
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oh wife (i mean life) [02 Dec 2008|07:41pm]
Things get so fucked. You grow and your experiences grow with you, they grow in number, but not in size. They get smaller, less significant. With each one you leave behind a piece of you. Something you invested your whole self into no longer seems significant, that was a year ago. Now you're a different person and you're having a different experience, but you feel this one coming to a close too. So what will have in 3 months? Will it seems just as far away. From experience you know the answer, it's yes. At first it seemed like this was impossible, the first time always feels like the last time, it will never happen again. how can it? it never happen before and it's happening now, so it can't ever happen again right? In some ways it's true, you can never have your first experience again. But you can have the experience, over and over again. Yet it never really loses meaning, it just becomes dampened, you see it happening but it's not as sharp, it doesn't bite as much as it did the first time. Like cold dry air hitting your nostrils, it stings. It stings every time but by the 5th time it's old news, you barely notice it, it's no longer like it was the first time.
But life trudges on, if there's anything you can learn from 50 first experiences it's that. You'll always have another one, and soon. Life starts to slide by faster, moving in and out of frame to a greater beat every day. Now i know what my mom meant when she said the last 25 years went by in a month. Life seems magnanimous at first, it's huge, everything is big and new and there's only one of each, only one so you savor them all thinking they'll be your last. you get lost in everything you confuse yourself and turn around because you're imbued in it all. Now it feels a little like running on water, you can look down and see what's going on underneath but you rarely stop to let yourself sink. You're no longer in a small pool you're on the ocean and it' imperative you cross it. So you run because if you stop every three second you'll never get there.
But again i guess mom was right when she said the last 25 years went by in a month. Once you get too tired and old to run and you let yourself sink you realize you're still in the same old ocean you were when you started and you never crossed it. It goes on forever and it ends only where you stop.
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yea sure [21 Jan 2007|04:51am]
I have this feeling of dissatisfaction again. really it's the only time i want to write in my journal. I have all these things floating through my mind, these "feelings" that i can't describe in words. If i could actaully describe them i guess i could decode them enough to take some action. But all i have are whiffs of something i can't quite put my finger on. It's like i'm missing something. I have an irking feeling its culture, something to bind me permenantly to others in my vicinity. Maybe it's russian culture that i'm lacking, or perhaps i just misunderstand the american culture. I can't connect, i don't have that innate drive because of my ackward apperance in this country. Not that i stumbled in and spilled a drink on my shirt as i walked in the door, just odd timing. I was just that age where you have some basis of yourself and ready to build on it from your surroundings, but then suddently the base i'd been building for 9 or so years dissapeared from under me and i had to learn all over again. But i couldn't, nor really. I tried pretty damn hard i definately remember that. That's probably why i shunned my given culture for so long. I'd never admit to anyone that i was russian, and to a lesser extent jewish, althought the jew part wasn't a problem as i spent most of my earlier days as an american going to jew school.
But i think that might be the piece i'm missing. I'm like Dubois with his dual identity thing, except i'm not black, or really discriminated against, but i think i got my point across. I just feel like i'm not fully locking in gear with people. Somethign is off, like my gear is spinning at a different speed. I'm the only person who feels it, i think everyone of my age (and i guess citizenship) does. We all want to connect deeply but there's a dick in the way. Some mystical cockblock. And then you bring sexuality into the issue and things really get buck wild. THat shit is totally nuts. I dont' think i can have a conversation with a strange girl without thinking of whethere i want to bed her, and then if i decide yes, how precicely to do so. Conversations with guys are just a way to pass the time before you get an opprotunity to talk to a girl. And no male on male talk is complete without some mention of pussy, whether it's lack or abundance. Ususally lack.
There's no good way to end this rant, becuase there's no resolution, but hey, at least i'm more level headed about it now then i was 3 years ago. It used to be a monstrous, overpowering existential crisis every i felt this way but i'm becoming wise to the twists of this stupid world. It so funny, and stupid, and probably beautiful, i'm sure it is, i think i used to believe that. I must have, i'm sure i do still, i'm just in denial. Must be it.
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here we are [14 Oct 2006|03:29am]
At this point in my life i think i need to update myself and get my head straight. I'm in Austin and I have a job now. I just found out today i have it. It's good, it helps me establish myself. The social situations wear me out sometimes. Apparently weirdos are everywhere. I don't want to deal with socially incapable people. I just want to laugh at them and carry on. I just can't deal with having to be the party to entertain silly situations i don't want to be part of.
I dont' know how to solve this. I mean, what should i do. I just do not want to hang out with certain people because they creep me out, i don't want to connect with them. I wonder what my perfect social sphere would consist of. Ok, this is it. It's intellectual, yet practical friends who like a good conversation but know intrinsicly when to have fun. Joking leads to conversation which leads to joking. I want to be in tactful situations, where people are aware and understanding of their surroundings. They are not lost in doubt or confusion. Life is clear yet mystical. There is no set path but there is a good understanding of the map. This map must not have solid boundaries. It is a world of seemingly endless possibilities, but the existential boundaries are obvious. The practical meets the vague. I want that, and all else is, at this point, annoying. Because i'm trying to find my way to understanding this whole map and it's hard to sit down and talk to someone who's adamantly looking at the map upside down.
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[27 Apr 2006|09:26am]
I just took the last test of my college career. Feels a little odd. This part of my life is over, at least officially. Yipes.
Ironically, the last question on the last test of my last geology course asks. "You are in charge of a commotte which has been told not to sign the Kyoto Protocol. Use what you have learned in this class to argue why it should not be signed."
I came into geology saying i wanted to save the environment. Oil companies = bad, environmetn = good. But with the more i learned and the more classes i took i began to care less and less. Maybe the idealist in me was dying, or maybe i was beginning to see the world in its grim reality. If i don't work for the oil companies, someone will. Oil production won't sceace untill all the reserves have run out. So in the end i came to be exactly what i intended to fight. And this last exam question metaphysically attests to that.
.... Or maybe not. I mean i don't even HAVE a job yet.
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[02 Apr 2006|06:30am]
It's 6 o'clock. It's time, i think, for the annual cacoonary when i come out of my shell. Who said humans don't hibernate anyways? whoever it was...well, he was wrong.
Let's see, i think it's time for the usual comment "i'm feelgin alot better livejournal, i don't know what it is but my life has all of a sudden taken a turn for the better. I feel a new connection to people, i have kicked back into social life. Jee whiz i wonder what this could be all about. could it be the weather? No, i am just getting my groove back, like stella. she got her groove back, i did too. it has nothing to do with how warm and nice it is or how much easier people are interacting". Ok, iit's teh fucking weather. this is why i'm moving to austin. I get winter depression. i know this now. It's when you can't be comfortable outside and have to hole yourself into your smell, dirty apartment that things start really bearing down on you.
GOD DAMn i love the good weather. whatever, give me rain and fog, as long as i can sit on my porch without a space heater. Og life is great. So much weird shit has happen to me today. This random dude walked up ro my porch and told me a bunch of his life story for no reason. and then a bunch of people i didn't know hung out in my house. also, i need ass. sprin ghas awakened the desire. certain people aren't out to do what they should be doing. girls are weird sometimes. But now that my sex drive it back.....i'll be whining alot more. Oh i love the sun and it's infinate electromagetic warm stuff. but i hate the earth for spinning so slwoly. also i'm a big dork. and i like graphic novels. YEA what, i said it. i don't care what you think. you think i care, what make you think i care. you caer right? i mean you don't care. you think it's cool though for sure? i mean.....can't a man read grahic novels? i like them so whatever. i'm angry casue you're all wierd about it and stuff. what. no. i'm just sayin. leave me alone, i have pictures that need lookin at.
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oh the humanity [14 Mar 2006|07:49pm]
Miss Deaf Texas got hit by a train. The ironing is delicious
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[02 Mar 2006|08:19pm]
List of things that must die:
#1. World
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throw back [13 Feb 2006|01:56am]
I'm writing in this thing for old times sakes. I used to post my weekend excursions on here all the time back in the day. I think this is gonna be fun.
So Natalie came to visit from Philly starting thursday. Me, Clay, Natalie, and natalie's friend Paul strted off our thursday night by dringing a bunch of gin with tonic while making lewed sexual refrences and listening to booty shakin music. Janise came over and we took off to 80's night where i proceeded to get even more tanked while dancing and smoking many cogarettes. Once boredom set in we set out to uncle Jimmys where we played pooled, hit the sauce some more, and of course, smoked many cigarettes. At closing time Jansie prodded us to leave and which i took as a cue to finish as much of our well paid pitcher as possible, minutes later i would realize my mistake. So we took off to Janises house for the ceremonial, or not so ceremonial marijuana smoking. By the time we walked to her house it was tough for me to gain balance on the oddly moving sidewalk which was perfectly still only hours before. After much deliberation in front of the toilet and out in the hall i deposited a portion of the alcohol taken in that night into the alleyway next to the porch for safe keeping. Then it was a jolly walk to my house where i proceeded to try being a gracious host while Paul fought off urges to sleep so that his mother might drive to work the next morning in the car which was 40 minutes from her home (but parked very close to mine). After some more mental meditation and spiteful pleading to sober up Paul left us and i promptly threw off my close and passed face down in my bed.
The next day was unevenful, though full of anguish whose root i did not find until that very night when 3 sips of yeugling caused much happiness as the stomach ache and ill mood suddenly dissipated. It was then, sitting at a bar in Shadysaide with Clay listening to Dj's spin reggea, taking in yet more alchol and waiting for more friendly faces to show, that the same story continued. We drank beers and danced as people funneled in and out of the dark bar lit by flourescent signs stepping further and further into the depths of alcohol infusion. As the night passed old crowds were replaced by new crowds, and those crowds proceeded to drive me home at the end of the night.
Saturday (if you're keeping track of the days you'll sure find that correct) was the only accomplishing day in the weekend. Amy, the lady who helps Clay with his scholarship applications at the honors college needed some strong men to help her do some remodeling in the fixer-upper house she had just purchased. After a long search, finding that strong men were no where to be found, she asked us to help her. So me clay and the Zolo the mongolian spent 5 hours on a snowy satruday afternoon throwing big piece of wood panneling into a large, blue, metal dumpster. She bought us pizza and beer for lunch which we ate while making more sexually lewed, and sometimes homo-erotic, refrences. We then threw out more panneling while talking about martial arts movies which panned into us knocking down a wall in the house (it's ok, Amy let us) and this left us covered in drywall dust. I went home and took a shower after which i actually did some much needed homework. It had began to snow hard outside, but that didn't stop me and Natalie from making plans of the night, which to no surprise included Clay and Paul. Kevin (a friend from geo lab) had invited us to a dance party in a warehouse which was said to have a 5 dollar cover and free booze, which i though was a bold faced lie. Little did i know....it wasn't. It was relaly 5 bucks and free beer thereafter.
time out, my back is getting tired from sitting at this keyboard, i better stretch a little. Ahh that's better. ok let's continue.
Oh my, this dance party was something out of an (exuse the metaphor) art fag's lucid dream. It was 80's night yet again, except this time it was in a warhouse filled with half naked punks, flagrent homosexuals, cute girls in leotards, bearded men, tatooed bicyclists, and many many tragic hipsters. It was fun, the beer ran out but the mixed drinks sufficed untill more beer arrived. The dancing went on for hours, untill 4 AM to be excat, though we left at around 3:30. Regardless to say i got quite tipsy and also sweaty, but even still the night left me wanting something more. Probably it was for a girl to talk to me.
There we many details and detours i left out for which you must forgive me, but the night is growing old and i must wake up early for class. and so this is how i shall take my leave.
I was right, this was fun, maybe i'll do it again sometime.
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[06 Feb 2006|02:13am]
you know, alot of time, life is harsh, and so are people. People are alot more harsh then life, because life is nature, which doesn't have a persolnatily, or a soul really. It just goes about its thing, and if you dont' like it, too bad, becuase it's comstaant, so i'm not angry at it. It's people that i'm really anry at. Why do we/they choose to harm, to delibrately and knowingly harm just because they feel at ill ease. It's cray how badly we hur eachotehr under teh pretex of ognorance. It's liek saying "oh, that was a mean thing i did? oops, i didn't know" fully knowing that you did it knowingly. People are fucked, and they barely realize it. And it's so scary knowing that they don't do it out of malice but out of the vicious cycle that enveoples us all. It's the fact that other do crazy stupid things that make us do other stupid craxy things, causing other stupid crazy things....and so on...and so on. Damn, if there were only so many people that were immune to that cycle. If there were only those who loved life and gave, happily, no matter what went on around them.
There are some like that.
Oh well, i only get this way nowdays when i'm drunk. It's too heavy to think of these things when you're sober cause there's too mych other stuff to think about and do. This is "inconsiquential". Not worth the effort, cause who's gonna care, and who's gonna actually listen/change. No one. everyone's too self involved in their own ordeals. It's totally understandable though. If there's one thing i do well, it's understand. And i understand.
good night world.
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[14 Dec 2005|02:19am]
A generation without a name. Hmm, what does that mean. Social consiousness gives people their identities in the society. If i don't have a name how do i know who i am. If you don't give me one, how will i know what to respond to? Is it better or worse not to have a name, And if i don't have a name, do i still have an identity? Do i have less or more of an identity? Interesting. Funny questions i don't have an answer to. And i think that's where the break in the bridge is. I used to have anwers that i believed. Just because you don't have real answer it doesn't mean you can't have an answer. When it gets so far out no answer is correct, and you're free to think whatever you want. But now i want the truth. I don't want whatever, i want the real thing. This is where Zen meekly enters. It never put up a fight. It just left, faded into the background without a protest. It's like it was always there, just watching but never showing itself because it has no protests. It will always be there whether you believe it or not, just sitting and looking. Should i pick it up again? I don't know. Life seems too hectic to have to deal with it and Zen at the same time. The two no longer mix, they don't jive. So does that mean i can't have it? I think i want it, but that creates a dicotomy. The question now is do i want to live the life of Zen or the other one? It's like i no longer have a choice, i don't live these things, they say and i do. But i can't be sure of that. I can't be sure of anything, everything is too far out there to have a true answer. All you have is science which tells you how it was and will be. So apparently science has now taken over my life, but i'm struggling against it. I guess my dad was right. Shit, i never understood that. When i picked up geology he said "i thought you picked a major suitable for you, i don't understand why you're switching to geology." I always thought it insinuated my stupidity, that i wasn't smart enough to succeed, but i think there was a different messege to take away from it. Maybe he was saying that my personality wouldn't fit. That i as a person would not jive. I feel like i disregarded his sence of person. I always felt that he treated me like what he thought a person should be, not what i was. But maybe by that point he had realized. I don't know, he's a very reserved person and he never knew how to talk to me for real. And it hurts him that he can't talk to me, that he doens't know who i am. I just think we're too different to really get along, he just wouldn't tolerate it. It's all a giant headache but i never have to actually confront it. Its in the background so i can, and do, choose to ignore it. I think i need to make a game plan, i always leave things that arren't urgent on teh side, and i never pick them up unless they become urgent. I think this is a good way to start beating that urge.
OOOO, thats a real philosophical question rigth there. If you, by rule, only follow urgency and nothing else, how do you beat an urge itself, which is in itself an urgency. Its a major restruction of self by introducing an inconsitency that cannot be ignored because theres so much of the self hinging on it. It's like taking a computer and changing the function of the CPU while trying to keep the same form for all the other components. Impossible. Bah humbug
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[10 Dec 2005|02:34am]
Would i be what i am and have the friend i do and offer the world(whichever part of it's i'm in cahoots with) as much as i do if i wasn't who i am right now, no matter how insecure, imperfect, or unhappy? The answer, of course, is no. How can i be me without being me?
That's the basics down to earth stuff. And really, no matter how much better off or more effective those who are part of my world are, they would not be so without me (or without you), so as hard as the truth is, it's good. I appreciate it and enjoy it, just knowing those few facts full well.
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Tags and Bags [04 Nov 2005|04:24am]
[ mood | wft does exanimate mean ]

Weeee, let me see. Here we go. Ok i'm ready. So yea. yea. Alright. Shit. I can't think of anything. Well ok i had an enjoyable evening. I need to do lots of work though in the next two weeks. My mom said "the harder during practice the easier during the game" or some similar translation. I'm not opposed to this concept. Every time my mom tried to tell me "the world suck but there's nice ways of looking at it" i always got pissed becuase she wasn't telling me wat i wanted to hear. This thing here is striking a chord. It's like, ok, alright, maybe this is beneficail for me. It "builds character". I need to get as much eqperiance about the world as possible and this is one of those experiances. It's hard and it's time consmuing but it's something that has to be done, and in the end it'll be quite beneficial. It's slowly helping me balance myself out. Not too much fun but not so much work that i refuse do anything fun. Ok, this is good.

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[03 Nov 2005|01:32am]
[ mood | tired ]

Oh man, too good!

Giuseppe Zangara executed in Florida's electric chair, 32 days after his attempt to assassinate FDR. Last words: "Get to hell out of here, you sonofabitch [spoken to the attending minister]... I go sit down all by myself... Viva Italia! Goodbye to all poor peoples everywhere!... Lousy capitalists! No picture! Capitalists! No one here to take my picture. All capitalists lousy bunch of crooks. Go ahead. Pusha da button!"

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[03 Nov 2005|01:15am]
"But though the contrast may seem stark, it is worth remembering that Burroughs identified the real struggle in life, the real conflict for control, as being within the self. (Hence his obsession with daily routines and attention to detail.) Rather than supress the darkness in his soul, he vented it, through writing. Rather than repress and deny his unconventional desires, he indulged them within measure (in later life). In short, he did not seek, as people often do, to be someone else. But he sought instead to free himself from beliefs which limit, control, and imprison the invidual in mediocrity and dull repetition."
Man that's a good quote, shieeet. I found another reason for this journal!
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[27 Oct 2005|10:50pm]
Hey...hi....this is a litlle akward...we haven't spoken in a while...but you gotta start again somewhere right? I mean i was gonna just go all out and start typing away, you are MY journal after all, and you don't even have feelings, in fact you're just a digital thing-a-majiggy. Hmm, maybe this is a little silly, apologizing to a computer screen. "oh won't you forgive me tv looking thing! why won' t you let this go! how many times do i have to say sorry" kinda weird eh? oh well. i guess this is a good enought ice breaker. ok enough, but this was fun.
Anyways. You know i was just looked over at some of my entries from the last few times i've written, and damn if they're not half bad. This is why i want to start writing again. I mean that stuff flowed pretty well, it's like wow. Sometimes i think that i was meant to be a writer, it's just that no one told me. I wrote an email to my family from field camp (in wyoming) this summer and he wrote back saying hat he really enjoyed my email and i was a good writer, and even though i don't know how well his opinion counts since english is his second language it still went to my head a little. But i don't was to crak my own chain all day long yet i dont' wanna write anything else. Most of the things i've done in the last 6 months (holy hell has it been that long already) are inconsequential. Not in the grander sceme of things, just for their recounting in the journal. Actually ALOT of shit happen this summer and beginning of this year that changed me in at least a few ways i think. Getting closer to the "real world" it's almost laughable reading my "old" entries, and by old i mena 6 months ago. I talked alot about looking at all the possibilities, keeping tings loose and not soncreting yourself to the ground else "reality" hits and you're fucked. Well it seems reality has hit me in the head with a brick, just a playful "what's up". It's not that i've been puched off track, it's just that life after college is soon to begin, i see it through my friends who are out and i begin to understand it for what it really is. If you're still floating in that mass of little to no responsibilty i beg you to think that way i used to, cause it was fun and easy and sort of fulfilling. To know that infinate possibiliies are still ahead of you? It's fucking a gift yo! Once you have to begin to begin out there it's different, you still have infinate possibilities, it's just that you can only hope to think about them from about 6 in the evening till about 12, and you only have weekends and certian holydays to accomplish them, and believe me, inifinate possiblities take up alot more time then that.
But maybe i'm wrong, maybe it's all a big joke and once you get out into the real world you best friend will jump out from under your desk and yell "Surprise!!!" and all your friends supposedly living out in that deep abyss will come out of assorted closets and corners to tell you that life is relaly a big party, they just wanted you to think it wasn't so you'd be surprised....Surprise. But no really, it might be that way, life is still a big, odd, mysterious ball, and really there's shit out there. There are certain necessities though, like age, thats a big one. I know my parents are getting old, like old enough to become sick or lose their health periodically simply because they're bodies have been around so long. Its no longer lala land, soon the time will come when i will have to take care of them and my infinate possibilities will have to be put aside. So there's the long and short of it.
Also, living alone freaks me out, and a sing just came on that's called "all alone" and they keep on saying all alone over and over again. Damn you life! I need to be productive now.
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[11 Jul 2005|02:15am]
things have happen, i'll write later probably, i'm going to Greece tomorrow
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[22 Apr 2005|02:43am]
I can't write much right now. All i want to say is that i think that most people need attention, and if you give it to them they'll be greatful. all those who pick fights, who do rash things to strangers need attetion the most. They'll go to those great lengths to get it. Most either look down upon it or join in, either was we all still strive for attention, so my conclusion now is to give it to people, becuase i want atention to, and what better way to get it then to give it.
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[19 Apr 2005|01:08am]
Sweet merciful crap. I'm so hopped up on caffine i can't thin or see straight. I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to drink 2 coffee cups before going to the freaking library today. WEll it seems that my body takes about 2 hours to process the coffee and concentrate it into one lump sum which goes straight to my head over the corse of a minute. HOly fuck, I feel like im a baloon flying through empty space, my eyes are like headlights getting hotter and hotter. Stupid garbage, i have much work to be done and i can't do it, i feel like a million things at once, if only i had no work i'd go out and run around the building a bunch of times.
Oh Morty what are we gonna do, harrum, humm humm, maybe if i keep typing it'll go away, yes yes very good, keep things going, keep the ball on the yes. Must continue with this charade or else i'll explode to a million barnickles of sweet holy jesus. Mmaybe i shuld go see a doctor about he moot growing from this wort. They to wrot is to be, but i dont' belive a word of it, it's all about the grab is what i figure, without the grab we got nothing, youknow, just a shoe in space. a comet in words.
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[08 Apr 2005|03:35am]
I might be antisocial at times but all the things that people tell me i appreciate, even if i don't tend to respond (especialy online). I just have some sort of moral objection to it (the online thing), i don't know what it is, like it's not real. But anyways, yea i appreciate absolutely everything anyone write to me or about me, and i just want you all to know that.
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